60 Questions for Couples to Ask to Deepen Intimacy
Anyone who’s been in a relationship a long time knows that sometimes that spark dulls ever so slightly. Couples become complacent and think there’s nothing left to explore about their significant other, no secrets to learn, no stone left unturned. These moments are where couples start entering a void. Things are no longer as easy as they once were, and you both feel like you’re drifting apart.
So, how can you ignite that spark?
The answer might seem benign, even boring. Still, it’s a step in the right direction, and that step is sitting down with your partner and asking questions to deepen intimacy. These aren’t just run-of-the-mill questions, or a means to pass the time. Instead, they’re designed to strengthen that connection and rediscover one another.
But before we get to the questions to ask to increase intimacy, we’ve got to ask what intimacy is, to begin with.
What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy, by definition, is an emotional connection between people who are incredibly close with one another. It’s not something relegated exclusively to couples, but instead can be experienced with all types of relationships. It can be the intimate bond between parents and their children, friends, co-workers, anyone that you are closer with than the average stranger can have some form of intimacy embedded.
Intimacy is also an emotion that ebbs and flows with moments of strength and weakness. It’s affected by external factors and the cracks from within. As a result, it requires constant attention to remain steady. Otherwise, we find ourselves looking for a way out or a way to repair the fractured intimacy.
Why Is Intimacy So Important?
Humans are social creatures who crave and thrive upon the close kinds of relationships, ones that are drenched in intimacy. It’s not only a desire but also a basic human need! When we feel that lack of intimacy in a relationship that once had it in abundance, it can lead to a sense of abandonment.
Worst case scenario, it can lay the groundwork for fear of intimacy due to past abandonment trauma. It’s all interwoven into the fabric of our social condition. To love and be loved, to stay connected. Intimacy in itself is the basis of all love languages, which are universally expressed and needed, regardless of what form that intimacy can take on.
So how do we build intimacy and save it from dying in instances where it’s clearly in the process of doing so?
Questions for Couples to Ask to Deepen Intimacy
Here’s your mission to get the spark back in your long term relationship and revive that intimacy that’s long been dying out: Ask good questions. It’s simple - but it works.
You don’t have to do every question all in one night. Instead, you and your partner can spend the next few months trying to make time every week or so to answer a set of questions. Think of it as an emotional date night where you spend time together trying to better the love you’ve cultivated over the last few years.
Let’s get into the questions to deepen intimacy. For this section, we’ve divided it into three categories:
- Ice Breakers
- Emotional Heavyweights
We think the best approach is to take a question from each section and then repeat the process. This allows for space between some of the most intense questions and will enable you to inject some breathing room into what can be emotionally taxing.
#1 - Ice Breakers
We refer to these as ice breaker questions considering their more tame nature. You’ll find that most of these questions focus on really surface-level topics. There’s nothing here that requires deep analytical thinking and instead allows for some more spur-of-the-moment answering with little thought needed.
These questions also act as perfect pallet cleansers after you go through the process of asking an ice breaker, a thought-provoker, and finally a heavy hitter before repeating the process over again.
Here are 20 ice breaker questions you and your partner can begin answering:
- What does work-life balance mean to you?
- What was the most surprising thing you’ve learned about me throughout our relationship?
- What did you want to be when you were growing up?
- In what ways do you think we’re similar?
- In what ways do you believe we are different?
- What makes you feel confident?
- What was your favorite toy that you had growing up?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What three qualities do you like about yourself?
- What three qualities do you like most about me?
- What is your idea of a dream vacation?
- What is your idea of the perfect date night?
- Do you enjoy alone time? And if so, why?
- What is the first thing you noticed about me?
- What do you remember about our first date?
- Who’s your ‘celebrity hall pass’ and why?
- What is my most annoying habit?
- What would you want to do with the money if we won the lottery?
- What is your favorite movie?
- What’s your favorite memory?
#2 - Thought-Provoking
The thought-provoking questions aim to make the person answering the question think about their answers. These are deeper questions than the ice breakers, but not deep enough that they hold as much emotional power as the heavy hitters.
These questions require more thinking because they often rely on the past or analysis of their own feelings and emotions on a subject. You’ll find that these questions make the person answering think back to their younger days and their family members. This is a great batch of questions because oftentimes, they’re questions we rarely ask ourselves.
Here are 20 of the thought-provoking questions you can ask your romantic partner:
- What might your younger self think of our relationship?
- Have your friendships ever taught you anything about romantic relationships?
- Has our relationship taught you anything about yourself that you didn’t know before?
- What have I taught you?
- What excites you the most about life?
- How essential is ‘physical connection’ to you?
- What do you think constitutes a healthy and happy relationship?
- What did you learn from your parents' relationship?
- What do you think defines emotional intimacy?
- What do you feel when you take a trip down memory lane?
- What’s on your bucket list?
- What’s the best gift I’ve ever given you?
- Do you know how to tell when I’m angry? And how do you respond?
- What is something you want to try but have always been too afraid to?
- What do I do that turns you on the most?
- Do you think we trust each other and show that we trust one another?
- What do you consider cheating?
- What is your friendship like with your best friend?
- How do you think your friends might describe you?
- What do you think the best way to express love is?
#3 - Emotional Heavy Hitters
Eventually, you’ve got to tackle the more emotional questions and have the potential to go deep. While we could argue that the ice breakers are advanced small talk, these are the polar opposite. This is where you’ll not only get to know each other on a much deeper level but also expose some of the potential fault lines in your intimacy.
These questions hold a tremendous amount of power and opportunity. When couples start trying to deepen their intimacy, they often remain unaware of where the other stands on critical issues. Some of these questions seek to understand the emotional state of the other, to see where they’re at emotionally and mentally. These questions come with their own risks as they can expose just how wildly out of sync you might be. However, they also have the power to establish common ground and allow you both to get back on the same page.
For these questions to be even remotely successful, the ones answering the questions have to have some self-disclosure. Unfortunately, people tend to clam up when it comes time to answer tough questions. That’s not going to work here.
Here are 20 of the emotional heavy-hitting questions you can ask your romantic partner:
- When did you last cry, and why?
- When was the last time you laughed and genuinely felt happy?
- Are you satisfied with your life outside of us as a couple?
- Are you satisfied with your life in this relationship?
- What is your worst memory?
- Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?
- What is something that makes you feel alive?
- What has excited you lately?
- How would you describe your childhood?
- What do you fear most about our relationship?
- When you think of our future, what do you think of?
- What makes you sad?
- If you could change one thing about us as a couple, what would it be?
- How do you need or want to be shown love, and do I, as a partner, show you I love you enough?
- How often do you reflect on the past?
- Are you satisfied with our sex life?
- What keeps you up at night?
- Do you feel appreciated?
- What is your biggest regret?
- What is the most challenging part of our relationship right now?
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, 60 questions to ask to deepen intimacy. Now, this will be a series of date nights you’ll never forget! Don’t expect this to be easy; you and your partner may find this unexpectedly challenging but ultimately rewarding.
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